Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
