I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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