a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
