Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
