I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
