Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
