Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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