Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
