i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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