i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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