whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
