Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
