rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
