I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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