I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way Theyâ€™ve Messed With Their Daughterâ€™s Boyfriend
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!