He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.