I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
