I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
