I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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