I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
