my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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