i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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