I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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