my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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