Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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