I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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