I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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