well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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