im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
