woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
