We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
is that a dick in a sweater?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
