How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
