Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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