just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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