I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
