I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
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I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
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I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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