My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
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talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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