i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
