There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
