he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
