I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage