I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.