My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?