he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
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Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
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Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it