apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
