I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
