my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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