I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I will be naked everywhere
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
