i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Your penis caused this!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
