I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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