Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
