we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
His nipple licking is glorious
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