i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
