I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
