The maid of honor just puked.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
