I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
