this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
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