Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
