I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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