idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
