i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
